


you are the reason i'm smiling (when there is nothing to smile about)

by frogchamp (ediblesunshine25)



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Dream is a good friend, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Nightmares, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Hatred, Texting, george is feeling that gay gay yearning, george is sad rip, sapnap is there for some of it, this has become a vent fic, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29277897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ediblesunshine25/pseuds/frogchamp
Summary: "I miss you guys and I love you. And I want to be there in Florida with you, and I wish stupid COVID didn’t have to happen so we could’ve met up ages ago."not only is he stuck across the ocean from the people he loves most, george's self-esteem is utter crap. dream does his best to help- george's thoughts persist.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello! 
> 
> this fic is not meant to insinuate that george feels this way! i'm simply projecting some feelings of my own, and there's also dnf because i couldn't help myself.
> 
> a warning for a fair amount of self-deprecating thoughts
> 
> lastly, title from Peach by the Front Bottoms! banger song, i'd recommend giving it a listen. it kinda fits with the fic?
> 
> if there are any typos or inconsistencies i'll fix them in the morning
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> (the day i properly capitalize my writing is the day i Cease To Exist)
> 
>  **edit 2/8/21:** guess i have ceased to exist! i'm working on capitalizing all of this to make it more pleasant to read and my other fics should be properly capitalized soon as well. it's a pretty menial task but i think it's one that's necessary. ok, that's all!

George sighs into the silent Discord call.

“I miss you guys and I love you,” he says. “And I want to be there in Florida with you, and I wish stupid COVID didn’t have to happen so we could’ve met up ages ago.” The sun is starting to peek over the horizon, but he knows it’s only around 1 AM for Dream and Sapnap.

Sapnap snorts. “You on your fucking period?”

“Not the time-”

“No, it’s fine.” George cuts Dream off. “It was funny. I just miss you both a lot, wanna be there, you know?”

Dream hums and lets the silence fall back over them.

George desperately wishes he was in Sapnap’s place. All three of them together would be _amazing_ , though George could understand that they’d known each other for longer and all of the circumstances make it hard to get him to the States. That didn’t make the blurry photos of Dream and Sapnap sitting together on a couch watching a movie hurt any less. 

“-And it’s the same thing, but without the blood.” Dream’s tired voice finally filters through George’s thoughts.

“What?” He says bluntly.

“Oh, I was talking about how men go through the same monthly hormonal cycles as women do but without all the blood and stuff. Dunno if that’s what that was, just a fact that came to mind.”

George smiles. “Nice to know.”

Dream keeps a lot of useless information tucked away in his brain, and it shouldn’t be so charming.

George's head slumps to rest on his shoulder, headphones digging into his neck. He wishes he could see their faces right now even though none of them have their video on. George knows he looks like dogshit right now, but there’s no way either of them could look worse, and if he wants a glimpse of messy gold-brown hair and maybe a peek at collarbones, he can find ways to justify it.

Sapnap yawns, or maybe it’s Dream. It starts a chain reaction that has them all in stitches, because everything’s funnier when you’re sleep-deprived and George's strangled yawn sounds like a dying animal.

“Love you guys.” Sapnap says.

“Love you. And you too, George.” Dream mumbles, and George feels like his name is an afterthought even though he was the one to bring this up.

“I already said this,” George clears his throat pointedly, “but I love you both as well.”

“Aww, look at us,” Sapnap coos, “A bunch of bros confessing their love for each other in the middle of the night on a Discord call.”

“So romantic,” Dream says, laughing.

“Ugh, I take it back, you’re too annoying to deserve my love.” George scoffs.

They all dissolve into giggles again.

He’s really glad to have moments like this. Informal as they are, they cement his simple, wonderful place in the universal hierarchy. George doesn’t know why he’s getting so sappy, he has no real reason to be.

No matter how uptight he has pretended to be on stream, it’s much easier to tell your best friends you love them when it’s only the three of you.

“Jus’ feels weird, that when we finally meet up it’s only two of us- it’s only the two of you. And I’m so happy, I really am! It’s amazing that you two are finally able to see each other, I guess I just… really wish that I was there.” The words tumble out of George’s mouth without permission and he bites his tongue to prevent any more from slipping past his filter. Curse this sleep deprivation for loosening his hold on reality.

“George,” Dream says gently, and George hates the way his voice is laced with pity. “We wish you were here too. I promise, as soon as it’s possible to get you over here we’ll try to.”

“Really?” George whispers.

“I can’t speak for this idiot, of course-” cue a ‘hey!’ from Sapnap, “-but I want you to be here as much as you do.” Dream sounds sincere (but they normally do, and George has always been iffy with tone).

No. Dream wants him to be there in Florida.

“Yeah, what he said. We miss you.”

So does Sapnap.

So why is his monkey brain acting up and telling him he’s not wanted? George knows a years-long act is _way_ beyond plausible, but they must be tired of his constant asking for reassurance by now. They must be tired of him by now. They must. It’s probability, simple to calculate, basic math. They must.

So why haven’t they given up yet?

Why are they willing to stay and repeat the ‘I love you’s?

“Thank you,” George says. “I really appreciate it, I know this must get annoying, but I'm really grateful.”

“Uh-huh!”

“Of course.”

A tired grin tugs at George's lips.

Their voices are quiet and comforting. Dream’s has taken on that tone that it always does with George, and Sapnap’s is simply kind. George stares at what little light is coming through his curtains. He knows he should go to sleep before he ends up staying up for 24 hours, but he can’t bring himself to leave the call.

George lets his eyes fall shut.

He likes to exist- not to live, just to exist. To take a moment to breathe. 

He can hear Dream and Sap’s conversation but he isn’t taking in what they’re saying. He’s just listening to their voices form sloping hills and valleys.

The new Manhunt and Dream’s song, the podcast, their other videos, everything. February seems like it’s going to drag on forever, but George knows from experience that it’ll actually flit by faster than he can blink.

He’s only as nervous as he was before.

(The amount of anxiety fluctuates, but it often lurks in the back of his mind.)

George's feet tumble out from where they were tucked beneath his legs. He yawns.

“You probably need to go to bed, right?”

It’s Dream’s voice; it takes George a second to register that he’s being asked the question. A quick glance at his computer asserts that Sapnap isn’t even in the call anymore.

“Mm.” George isn’t up for the effort of forming words.

“You sound so sleepy,” Dream laughs.

“Yeah, ‘s ‘cause i am.”

“What time is- it’s like 6 in the morning for you, right?”

“Yes.” George says, sighing. “That’s how timezones work. you should sleep too.”

“Sure, yeah.”

Neither of them say goodbye or make a move to leave the call.

A thought nags at his mind. “You did mean that, right? When you said you missed me, when you said you-” _Shit_. 

“... Go on?”

“When you said you loved me,” George whispers.

“George!” Dream says, almost admonishing, and George isn’t sure if this is a good sign. “Yes, yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

George knows it’s a rhetorical question. 

“Because I’m just a regular person, and you’re _you._ And I know- I know how cliche that sounds, but some cliches are true.” His resentment of himself sneaks into his last few words.

“George.” He really wishes Dream would stop saying his name like that.

“Dream.”

“Yes, I love you. I meant it when I said it and I mean it now. You’re an amazing friend and I really treasure you.”

George chews at the inside of his cheek. _Friend, friend, friend, friendfriendfriendfriend._ Nothing more.

“Thank you,” He says. He knows Dream could never see him that way, he couldn’t be more aware of it, but he’s still grateful for the words.

“How much more do you need to hear to realize how good of a person you are? I will say it. I will, I promise you.” Dream insists, fierce and caring.

George inhales shakily.

“Dream, please, I don’t know what you’re trying to do but you don’t have to-”

“George, _let me._ ” Dream implores.

“Fine! Fine, fine. Say whatever it is. You’re being really weird.” George shakes his head. Dream is being really weird.

“Evidently, you need to hear this. I love you a thousand times over, and even if you don’t always say it back, I know you love me too. You’re compassionate and genuine and funny and smart— _you’re a fucking genius, you’re so good at coding_ —and I love spending time with you. I know I can talk to you about anything and you’ll listen and do your best to help. I trust you. You make me laugh. You’re a good person, no matter how much you think you aren’t.” There is so much love in Dream’s voice. 

This is definitely not when George starts to tear up. Nope, definitely not. Not at all. Fuck, he doesn’t want to cry on call because his best friend keeps saying he loves him.

“Dream-”

“George!” Dream interrupts. “Not only are you a good person, but…”

Dream’s hesitation feels like a hangnail.

“But?” George pulls at it.

“You’re- you’re pretty… attractive, you know that?” Dream says hurriedly. “And I can say that, purely objectively, with no- no hangups. You’re attractive.”

Dream’s awkward laughter is the only noise in the call.

Meanwhile, George is trying to make his heart rate go back to normal because ‘objectively’ may not be good but _Dream had stuttered._

Dream is well-spoken. He's passionate and good at explaining things, he always has been. When he stutters or trips over his words, it’s either because his mouth can’t keep up with his thoughts or because he feels nervous. George knows this, Sapnap knows this, he’s willing to bet a fair amount of the fans know this.

So why was Dream stuttering when he said George was attractive?

He knows he can’t get his hopes up. Everything Dream has said besides that only proves that George’s feelings are completely, utterly one-sided. 

_Dream never did this for Sapnap. He never stumbled over “you’re so hot” or “marry me, Pandas.” Was George stretching it or did he have a chance?_

“-there? George? Hello?” Dream cuts into George’s train of thought again.

“I’m here, just zoned out a bit, sorry.” He says.

The breath that Dream takes is audible through the call. “Anyway, you’re a good person and you’re attractive. I promise you you’re good enough, no matter how many times that voice inside your head tells you that you aren’t.”

George chokes out a tiny laugh and lets the tears well up in the corners of his eyes.

“ _Thank you_. Thank you. I really- I really needed to hear that.” His I’m-about-to-start-full-on-sobbing tone of voice is irritating as shit to hear out of his own mouth.

“George, oh my god, of course.” He can hear Dream’s grin. “Shoot, please don’t cry, I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m sorry, I-”

“Dream, it’s fine.” George swipes at his eyes. “They’re happy tears. I guess I haven’t heard those exact words in a while.”

He laughs at himself to tell Dream it’s okay to laugh too. 

“That isn’t a good thing, George, but I’ll let it slide. You realize I’m gonna say this at every point I can now, right?” Dream says. It feels taunting.

“Oh boy, guess I’m gonna have to get used to crying every day!” George huffs.

“You underestimate me. It’s gonna be _at least_ twice a day, if not more. I have so much I could say and I _will_ say it, I proved that today.” 

George wants to know all the things that Dream has to say. He wants to pile the bricks of ‘you are good enough’ until he has a wall tall enough and thick enough to guard him from the missiles of ‘pathetic, weak, worthless.’ He wants to burrow beneath the weighted blanket of ‘a thousand times over.’ George hates relying on validation to feel like he’s even worth existing, but he thinks he can make an exception.

When Dream says ‘I love you,’ George feels like the only person in the world, and he adores that feeling.

“Goodnight, Dream. Thank you.” _I’m in love with you. You’re my favorite person. I want it to be me instead of Sapnap. I miss you more every day. Say it, say it, say it._ “I love you too.”

George’s mouse hovers over ‘Disconnect call’. He can’t bring himself to click.

“Goodnight, George! Sleep well,” Dream says.

The chime of Dream leaving the call sends a pang of _something_ through George. He wants him to stay. He wants Dream to be with him forever.

God, it’s so selfish, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

George finds that he isn’t tired anymore. He removes his headphones from his head, shuts down his computer, and diverts all thoughts of Dream away from his conscious mind.

(He needs to distract himself from his looming confusion about Dream.)

George stands up and stretches. The sky is as drearily gray as ever. He would liken it to his emotional state, except his feelings change much more often. The rain, currently absent, is a better comparison.

When sleep finally takes him, he dreams that he is walking through a forest holding someone’s hand. It’s Dream’s, although he’s not sure how he knows that.

He looks up at Dream’s face. It’s completely empty.

“I love you, George.” An eerie voice sounds. “Say it back, George.”

_I love you too, Dream,_ he says, but the words never leave his mouth. _I love you. I love you. I love you._

“Say you love me? Tell me, George, tell me if you love me!” 

It’s shrill and terrifying and George’s feet are rooted to the ground and his mouth feels like it’s sewn shut. He can’t move, can’t think, he loves Dream.

“I love you! Why won’t you say it back?”

_I did, I did, I do, I love you, please. Please._

“Goodbye, George! Good luck! Fare thee well! Do you love me?” Dream walks away. George can’t pull him back.

_No, no, no. Come back! I love you! I love you!_

Dream turns a corner and is gone. The sky splinters, falling onto George, and he stands there as the horizon’s jagged edges trap him forever.

George wakes up sweating and breathing heavily. That’s the first dream he’s had in a while and of course it had to be a nightmare. A nightmare about Dream. 

About Dream leaving him?

~~About not being able to tell Dream the truth, how much he really loves him?~~

He’s in so deep and he doesn’t know how to pull himself out.

George is scared of how much he’s feeling.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the next day, george does some introspection and exchanges validation with dream. the day after that, contradictory thoughts worm their way into his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally wtf happened while i was writing this?? the straight men flirting more than the actual gay couple once again?? i guess it's good that i'm beginning to define the differences between their characters in this and their irl selves. istg. at this point george is just a patchwork of my projection and dream is... i don't even know.
> 
> as always, not trying to say george feels this way. it's a vent fic for a reason! if anyone involved says they're no longer comfortable with this kind of fic being written, this will be taken down.
> 
> let's just pretend george lives by himself bc i am not about to write his parents/family into this
> 
> a warning for a lot of intrusive thoughts concerning self-worth/being loved (starts after the line break about halfway through, you can absolutely skip over if need be). stay safe!
> 
> happy day after valentine's day and uh. enjoy!

Dream texts him  _ good morning _ at 5 PM and George smiles an in-love smile. 

He lazes around his room in the black hoodie, not feeling like facing other people. 

He thinks about telling Dream. He doesn’t let himself debate the pros and cons. Instead, he lets the thoughts of ‘you’d ruin the friendship,’ ‘he doesn’t love you like that,’ and ‘you’re getting too far ahead of yourself’ cut off any hope he has.

George chips away at a new coding project for one of their videos. Every time the icon for an error pops up, the urge to give up strengthens. He takes breaks.

He plays Dream’s song and hums along.

The hours pass agonizingly slowly.

He abandons any semblance of productivity and curls up in his messy blankets to stare at the ceiling. Days like this are nice, a break from the rush of streaming or recording or scheduling, but they let him spiral. His thoughts seem louder in the silence.

George imagines Dream, face to face with him, saying ‘I love you.’ He imagines the Florida sky, probably much less cloudy than England’s. He imagines days like this except in Dream’s arms with gentle, lingering touches, blocking out the spiraling thoughts with physical contact. It  _ hurts _ , not having that. 

Sapnap has that. George doesn’t hate him for it, no matter how much he’s tempted to. He does hate Dream, though, for being so stupid and adorable and kind. 

He finds his eyelids getting heavier and yawns escaping his mouth. It’s 10 PM and he has a feeling he won’t be getting to sleep for several more hours.

_ thank you for everything yesterday _ ! He texts Dream, if only to imagine his voice again.

_ Np, I’m glad to help! Lemme know if you need anything, I’m here for you. _

George twists his hair in his hands. Dream is too nice for his own good.

_ thanks again <3 _

He sends the message before he can overthink the heart and then proceeds to overthink the heart. It really isn’t that big of a deal, he’s sent messages with hearts at the end of them before. In fact, in the context of this more serious situation, the heart would probably be perceived as genuine, platonic love. George has nothing to worry about. 

The three dots signifying that Dream is typing pop up and George’s heart rate goes right back to what it was before.

_ Hey, could I ask you a question? _

_ sure, _ he types with shaking fingers.

George waits. He puts his phone down to take a few steps around his room. He taps his fingers against his leg, a frantic  _ 1, 2, 3, 4, _ and resists the urge to pick his phone back up.

It buzzes.

_ Are you comfortable with me and Sapnap and everyone making fun of you on stream? It’s all a joke but I know it might cause bad thoughts, etc. Just checking! _

George can breathe right again.

_ oh, i’m fine with it as long as it doesn’t go too far. those bits can be pretty funny _

_ Cool _

_ Need any more validation for today? _

He snorts out a little laugh.

_ hah _

_ i’m fine rn _

_ do you need any? i hate putting pressure on other people, i know how exhausting it can get to constantly provide this kind of thing _

George hesitates before sending the last message. If there is a chance for him to repay Dream, he’ll take it.

_ That’s really sweet but please don’t feel obligated _

_ you can chill _

_ i’m doing this out of the goodness of my own heart _

_ everyone needs a little encouragement _

George prepares himself for a long few minutes of trying not to make his love too obvious. 

He’ll start strong and shorten the message if need be.

_ you’re kind. you’re really, really kind. you saw me missing you, feeling less than, and you didn’t hesitate to comfort me. you’ve always been there for me whenever i ask and you’re always there for other people. you’ve basically dedicated yourself to helping kids through the SMP and you don’t hesitate to loan friends money or hand it out to random fans. you’re talented, too, you wouldn’t have gotten where you are if you didn’t have genuine skill. you’re brave and won’t hesitate to throw yourself into something you find important. i envy that, i’ve never been able to do anything on the spot or without thinking it over tens of times beforehand. even when you’re a bit impulsive, you always apologize and correct your mistakes. you’re also incredibly loyal- you always protect and support your loved ones. you’re admirable, really. there’s a reason so many people look up to you (and yes, you’re also attractive). i appreciate you so much. _

It takes a scarily short amount of time for George to rattle off all the things he adores about Dream. He’s taken back to the days he spent mulling over the line between platonic and romantic attraction, near certain his feelings for Dream had crossed it, still trying to pin down when and where that had happened. 

He remembers nights of sleep lost over the fact that the subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between a joke and a true statement, finding every instance of flirting in their streams and videos and analyzing them. George had tried to figure out what had changed and given up, resigning himself to being in love with his best friend.

His phone lights up with a  _? _ from Dream and he opens it back up, pressing send immediately.

George stares at the blue bubble. He can’t take back those words now.

He bites at his nails and scrolls up through their old texts to distract himself. Memes, videos, one or two late-night ramblings about anxiety. They’ve texted almost every day and the days they haven’t were spent on Discord or Teamspeak. George laughs at their abuse of iMessage’s reaction feature.

He hates and loves the feeling Dream gives him, warmth and softness and everything he can’t provide for himself (that part stings). 

George’s messages are automatically brought back to the present by another text from Dream.

_ You have no idea how much that means, I understand why you were crying yesterday _

He clacks out a quick  _ ikr?? i mean every word i said. you’re amazing _ and sets his phone down once more to prod at his face, his cheeks already aching from how wide his smile is.

They’ve discussed mental health a lot over the years. George has talked Dream down from borderline panic attacks before, Dream was there when George’s cat died and helped him through it, they’ve both reassured Sapnap that a few late assignments aren’t the end of the world. They’ve had discussions similar to this so many times before, but it feels inexplicably different.

This is the two of them. No Sapnap, no audience, no one. George feels like he’s struck gold.

Dream has sent a  _ :,] _ and nothing else for a few minutes, so George counts this validation session as done and decides he’ll accomplish things tomorrow.

He goes to sleep with Dream’s face gently bouncing off the walls of his mind.

* * *

George spends his day going back and forth between brainstorming ideas and the code he’d worked on yesterday. He makes progress. He’s proud of himself.

He clears the dirty dishes out of his room and washes them along with all the others left in the sink.

George tugs his blinds up and winces at the light but lets it fill his room. He makes his bed and stands in the doorway of his room, looking out at the freshly-cleaned domain.

The only thing left is a long, hot shower.

Today, he’s treating himself.

George brings his fan into the bathroom to ventilate it and turns the handle of the shower. He tests it once, twice, and steps in.

The water is almost scalding as it hits his back, but it’s the good kind. He goes through the motions and watches as soap swirls around the drain. He feels the soreness seep out of his muscles. His shoulders aren’t tensed up anymore. George is, all of a sudden, really tired.

He’d barely done anything today, he has literally no reason to be tired.

That’s just his nature.

_ Lazy, pathetic, worthless. You can barely take care of yourself, much less another person. This is why you have to keep your little crush secret. He can never know. _

_ He wouldn’t love you anyway, but you know that, right? You don’t even have a chance. _

_ Have you seen his acting? He’s a good liar. He knows it’s all jokes, he doesn’t see anything in you worthy of loving. _

_ You’re disgusting. _

“I hate you.” He whispers. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.”

_ I think you mean “I hate me.” _

“I hate myself.” George hates giving in, but it’s his voice inside his own head. It must speak the truth.

_ You are a horrible person and you know that. You put up such a good front, but I know who you really are. _

“I have…” he grits out, “I have nothing to hide.”

_ And what about the fact that you’re in love with your best friend? What about the fact that you now have to hide these thoughts from him because he thinks he’s helping you? What about all the things you never tell the fans? Is that an effort to maintain privacy or is it an effort to conceal your shitty self? _

“No, no, no, no. They love me. He loves me. He loves me, he said so himself!” George can taste salt- he must be crying. The hot tears mixed with the water streaming down his face so inconspicuously he didn’t even notice.

_ Does he really? _

He does, he does, he does.

_ Are you sure? _

George sinks to the shower floor and wraps his arms around his knees. He’s sure. Dream loves him.

Dream loves him! Right?

Right?

_ See? You know the truth. He doesn’t love you. None of them do. You’re just as alone as you’ve always been. _

“I’m not alone!” He slams the heel of his hand against the wall. “I’m not alone.”

_ But you are. _

“ _ You’re all alone. Loveless, purposeless, worthless. You are a vile person. _ ” The words are just as bad coming out of his mouth.

George is… alone.

He stands up, shuts off the shower, steps out and towels himself off, and counts the thudding steps he takes to flop face-first onto his bed.

He should’ve known better than to let the thoughts ring out. He should’ve shut them down as soon as they snuck their way back into his weak, gullible mind.

George is pissed at himself. He hates the way he gives in so easily.

He hates the way the thoughts returned so quickly.

He’d legitimately been getting better. He’d started to believe the things Dream said. George had thought that even if Dream didn’t love him romantically, their relationship now was enough.

All of that had been shattered.

The thoughts still echo.

_ Worthless. Disgusting. He doesn’t love you. _

Dream loves him. He knows that, deep down, but right now it feels like Dream secretly hates him and has been pretending to be George’s friend this whole time.

George thought today would be a good day. He still has stuff to get done that he won’t be able to without thinking about his worth as a person or his capability of being loved.

He wishes his mind was stronger so that he wouldn’t have to care about the thoughts.

He wishes Dream didn’t uproot everything he could rely on. He wishes he could say he hates Dream and believe himself.

George gets up only to pull his blinds back shut and tunnels beneath his covers. When he wakes up, everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters should be between 1-2k and should be uploaded around every week. i just know that if i set a schedule i won't be able to follow it, so for now i won't. may change in the future!
> 
> thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> so yep,,,,
> 
> i don't feel like this story is quite over and i haven't written a multi-chapter fic for the dsmp yet, so i'll prob continue this! expect sporadic updates :]
> 
> tell me what u think and i will forever love you
> 
> also if you're reading this and you haven't heard this yet today: i'm proud of you! you are worth it, you are good enough, and you are loved. take care of yourself! you're quite important!


End file.
